Networking for Shy People

While I’m getting better at playing the extrovert, networking events are still about 100x more stressful for me than public speaking or presenting at a board meeting.

I think it’s because there’s no agenda—you’re supposed to go with the flow, and I am so not a flow-goer. When I enter a room full of people, I don’t know where to start or who to talk to.  Rationally, I know that you’re basically meant to just walk up to people, shake their hands and say “Hi!”, but I still find this baffling. I just want someone to give me a map with detailed step-by-step instructions so I know how to proceed correctly.

My worst cases of networking paralysis came when I was just starting out professionally. I’d get to the door of a networking event, look inside, panic, then nope the heck out of there. I’d think: what if I’m too inexperienced for anyone to want to talk to me? What if I start up a conversation but I can’t figure out how to end it? What if this whole event is just an elaborate setup and I’m about to be mauled by a bear?

(OK—so that last one is hyperbolic. But I really did feel bear attack-level anxiety when trying to attend networking events.)

With the benefit of a nice long break from networking thanks to COVID (and a fair amount of therapy, let’s be honest), I’m trying out some new strategies. I’ve had some success with each of these and thought that sharing them could help another recovering shy person, like you.

Here are 4 networking strategies for (recovering) shy people:

1. The Medium

When performing the “Medium” networking strategy, you channel your most gregarious loved one and borrow their communication style as you go through the necessary steps of the networking dance.

Using this new-agey image because I couldn’t find a good (free) image of a seance.

Employ the Medium strategy until either

a)      your nerves subside and you can more comfortably be yourself, or

b)     you can leave the networking event and safely collapse in the privacy of your bed and/or hotel room to recover.

When my social anxiety hits 11 but I still need to attend a networking event, I channel my mom. Mom is the sort of person who makes friends on the way up a ski lift. Growing up, my dad and I would both experience second-hand embarrassment when we’d see her chatting with a total stranger; we just assumed that whoever mom was talking to felt deeply uncomfortable and was helplessly trapped in Mom’s conversation.

Well, the joke was on us both because Mom often made GREAT friends and learned all sorts of things from these casual conversations despite all our discomfort. She now runs the kind of super-successful B&B where people feel like they’re part of the family by the end of their visits. Some of her guests have jokingly told me that she’s also their mom.

Mom’s a great networker because she’s warm, kind, and genuinely curious about other people. She’s a perfect person to channel during networking events.

Side note: if you ever find yourself in Carlisle, PA and in need of being thoroughly taken care of, I recommend Mom’s B&B: the Mooreland Garden Inn :)

Pros of the Medium strategy: Borrowing someone else’s communications style can help you learn better ways of connecting to people that you can ultimately make your own. If you’re falling into a networking-induced panic spiral, thinking through how “X” person would approach things can reroute your thought processes and work a bit like an emergency break.

Cons of the Medium strategy: Borrowing someone else’s communication style can make you seem inauthentic if you overdo it. Also, take care not to borrow a communications style that’s all gregariousness, no heart, or you risk coming off like a used car salesman.

2. The Organizer

Employ the “Organizer” strategy by volunteering at a networking event rather than just being an attendee.

Look at how focused and relaxed the dude on the left is as he casually checks people into this stock photo Meetup!

Pros of the Organizer strategy: I love having a job to do at a networking event, so I have a specific reason to be there beyond just milling about. Instead of struggling to think of what to say, I can check people in, complement their outfits, make sure they know where to find the bathroom or the snack bar—just generally be helpful and supportive.

Cons of the Organizer strategy: If you’re volunteering at an event, you’ve made a time commitment; you can’t just sneak out the back door ten minutes into the event if you’re not feeling it. Also, volunteering once makes it likely that you’ll be asked to volunteer again, which may be a pro or a con to you.

3. The Tugboat

This is an introvert classic. Attach yourself to a very extroverted friend and/or colleague. He or she will serve as your “Tugboat” through the initial portion of the networking event.

Hi there, glad to meet you! Have you met my friend who’s currently hiding behind that giant pothos plant?

A junior colleague of mine is primo tugboat material. He’s extroverted and friendly to a superhuman level, even after a full day of conference activities. I am always grateful to be able to join him at networking functions to help find conversations and discussions without having to break the ice myself.

Pros of the Tugboat strategy: If you’re all “peopled out” for the day, but you still need to network, this is a good way to go. Also, if you’re working on getting more comfortable at networking events, getting a little help from a friend or colleague can make it easier for you to develop this skill.

Some Tugboat strategy caveats:

 1 –This is important: you need a willing tugboat—someone who’s both aware of your plan and ok with pulling some of your networking weight. If they’re unwilling, you’re a barnacle (and nobody likes a barnacle).

2—If you go to a networking event with a colleague/friend who doesn’t have the energy, enthusiasm, or outgoingness to help drive the networking forward for you both,

… you do not have a tugboat.

Instead, you’ve got two people who are most likely going to talk exclusively to each other throughout the event.

There’s nothing wrong with this per se—networking events are often an excellent source of free food and drink regardless of who you chat with. Still, if you intended to meet new people at an event, chatting exclusively with the person you came with doesn’t achieve that goal.

4. The Mama Bear

The “Mama Bear” strategy involves intentionally looking out for people at networking events who seem nervous or unsure of how to break the ice. Make a point of striking up conversations with them and see if you can help to connect them with others.

To defeat the networking bear, sometimes you must first become the networking bear.

The Pros: By focusing on helping other people feel comfortable and connected at the networking event, I can get beyond my own hangups and end up getting to know people almost by accident.

The cons: This is a “high energy” activity if you’re an introvert; better to try this at the beginning of a week than at the end of one when you may be exhausted.

Still, how much better would networking events be if we were all looking out for each other?